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A Big Pile of Excrement

Two nights ago I had a dream where I shit my pants. Not just a little, but so much so that the pants were full and so heavy I could barely dispose of the pants. I woke up shortly after disposing the pants in my dream, and I knew what that meant and would happen next.

This past week I failed, I failed in the biggest way. I failed at probably the most important thing in my life to this point and I did it with spectacular gusto. See, for the first time in maybe five years I fell in love. I fell in love in a way I never thought possible, which is a miracle I will always cherish. But this week I failed that love, and even worse I failed myself.

I did the opposite of everything I have ever done in a relationship before, thinking that would change the outcome. But there were just so many things I failed to do. I failed to really listen to him and to myself. I failed to really share, the parts of me that needed to be shared. I failed at being truly selfless. I failed at forgetting past mistakes. I failed at trusting someone so that they could trust me. I failed at forgiving him and myself. I failed at staying in the present. I failed at being completely honest about what I really wanted. I failed at acknowledging what I was truly capable of. I failed at managing my expectations. I failed at understanding things are more simple than they seem. I failed at understanding that pain is not a necessary part of any growth process. I failed at not letting my emotions take the driver seat. I failed at making boundaries and honoring the ones he tried to set. I failed at not making excuses for my behavior. I failed at letting go. I FAILED.

In the words of Miley Cyrus, “I came in like a wrecking ball.” I tore everything up and I did it with vigor. And as mad as I am, this complete and utter failure has set me free. Failing on such a huge scale at the only thing that makes this world a beautiful place gives me a chance to rebuild my faith. It gives me a chance to forgive more failures than just this one. It gives me a chance to focus on what I want next from this crazy journey. And it gives me a chance to get rid of my own BIG PILE OF SHIT that I have been carrying for at least two years.

If I was younger or more naïve, I would tell you that I wish this hadn’t happened. I wish I could change so many of the things I did, that I would change all my failures for a better outcome. For the outcome I desire. But, I am not that young, and I am not naïve. I would not change anything that happened between us for all the stars in the universe. Because not only were there some really amazing moments, but I got to know myself in a way I hadn’t before. Can I compromise and be okay in a two-some? I still don’t know. All I know is that I have made many situations more complicated than they need to be. So now to find a way to incorporate more simplicity into my extraordinary life, and see what happens next…without any bullshit.

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