If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know that my first name is the Greek word for truth. Alethiology is then the study of the truth. This is a fair assessment of my life’s mission, the study of the truth. This has manifested in my life in many different ways, academic study, theoretical study, and finally the practical study or experiential study of the truth.
During different stages of my life I have preferred one method of alethiology over another. And for most of my life I would have to say it would be the theoretical study of the truth. As adamant as I am about telling the truth and living MY truth, I think I was more interested in the abstract meaning of living truthfully. In other words, I was more interested in discussing what being authentic and truthful was and NOT actually living it.
As I have gotten older I have begun to favor more of the practical or experiential method. I stopped being all talk and started actually living the things I said I wanted to do or stopped faking certain emotions. And the more I lean toward the practical application of the truth, the harder it is NOT to just be me. I have had such a difficult time lately of not being able to just grin and bearing it, that I finally came to a cross road. The result? An insight I didn’t expect.
In an effort to give me advice to alleviate some of my current frustration, I was asked to step down a notch and try living a more mundane reality; that I should stop running from myself and try being present. I will admit I was shocked at this suggestion. I did not think I could live a more mundane reality than the one I have been living. But on second look, that is not true. Yes, there are things I do daily that I find tedious and ordinary, but that is not what my father was referring to me with his advice (I think). He was referring to the fact that I can get ahead of myself and look for something that is right in front of me.
I am in Japan, living on my own, making my own way. How many people can say that? This is not an everyday occurrence by ANY measure. I sometimes forget that because I let those tedious little frustrations blur out the incredible opportunity I have been given. I think we all can lose sight of the opportunities we are given, maybe because they aren’t exactly as we had hoped. This doesn’t mean that they are still not amazing adventures that will change us forever.
This also means that I had to admit to myself the truth of the situation. One, I had expectations for this experience that have not been met. Two, I chose this adventure in an effort to run away from myself, just as my father had said. When I left for Japan I had an idea of who I was and what I was capable of, but there were parts of myself I was scared of. There were parts of me I didn’t want to understand, choosing to move half way across the world to ignore those parts instead. Guess what? It doesn’t work like that.
Instead of being able to ignore those parts, it put those parts under a microscope. What are those parts? Emotional connection in relationships. Before leaving for Japan, if you asked my friends they would probably tell you I am an emotionally aloof person. They would say I am warm and show love, but only to a certain point. That if it came to a romantic relationship I would cut someone off before it got to that part. Basically, that I valued my own personal freedom more than sharing my life with someone else and risk loosing that. They wouldn’t be wrong.
I have always chosen myself, not because I didn’t love the other person and not because the relationship wasn’t working, but because I felt my freedom threatened. That eventually the goals I had for my life would be up for the chopping block, and I was not willing to compromise. And because romance has never been a priority in my life, I have never made an effort to keep them. I didn’t realize how little priority I have given that part of my life until this past month.
My best friend is currently preparing to get married, and I am often asked these two questions: Don’t you wish it was you? Do you wonder why not you? My honest answer to both questions is no. I don’t wish it was me, because I am not sure if I am made for such a dynamic. I have never been able to find balance in a relationship, and it wasn’t until last night that I admitted to why this might be.
As much as I live in the moment in almost every part of my life, without over analyzing and controlling everything…I don’t do the same with my heart. Because I don’t understand how relationship dynamics work, I basically beat a dead horse trying to figure out how love works. I can admit I want a partnership, but I can’t just let it happen, I have this need to define things every step of the way; which is not what I do in ANY other part of my life, and probably why those areas of my life are somewhat successful. And even though, I knew that this was my weakness, it wasn’t until I heard the words out of someone else’s mouth that I realized how much I need to let go. I need to face this truth about myself, but with understanding and the desire to improve.
As to the second question, I know why it isn’t me. I have never actively pursued a romantic relationship in the way most people do. I have always pursued travel or some experience instead. I am not sure if I can change that part of me or even if I WANT to. I can only hope that whoever helps me live love in the moment also happens to love adventure, even those mundane ones.
There are certain doors that when you walk through, there is no going back. And when you decide to study the truth, and more importantly the truth about yourself, there is no return. Sometimes the truth is not want you expect, or not what you want to hear, but it is almost always necessary. No secrets, no lies, just give me truth.